Frustration Is Not My Friend

I am feeling very frustrated at the moment. I'm so tired of people who can't seem to be completely honest with others. So many people that I never expected to become this way, are worst than the ones that I did expect it from. These things have bothered me so much to the point of me loosing sleep over them. Peoples lies and selfishness of not respecting others causes me more stress than is healthy for me.

At the moment the greatest frustration is caused by someone who use to be my friend. This person ended our friendship on my birthday and this is after me trying to fix things and putting up with alot. Well I told this person that I wanted to speak with them over 3 weeks before they were suppose to leave town. Obviously the person never bothered to call and arrange a time, but did preceed to text me. In these text messages the person said they did want to speak with me on evenings of them visiting because they didn't want the moment ruined, but I can't help but point out that this person didn't bother to have any of that respect for me in regards to my birthday. Then the person started saying "how many times do you want me to apologize?", well they never did apologize to me. I pointed this out and then they changed the story to well I tried to and everyone knows I did all the way down to so 'n so. Well I've spoken with the people this person said and none agree with the claims.

Why is this person so determined to continue lying and not just simply say "I'm sorry." If they had said sorry to me or even attempted to say it do you think I would of continued to not speak with them or even agree with others when they say that this person always thinks they can do no wrong. No I wouldn't have because everyone reason I would have for doing or believing it would have been proven wrong.

I'm so tired of the lies, and I'm sick of the drama. I told this person they are making it look like its not worth fixing. Truly if they don't stop these games and grow up, I see no reason to believe in trying to fix it. Stress is not good for anyone and why should I keep putting myself in more drama then I have to be in.

I know some of you reading this will already know about what's transpired, and I ask you to be reasonable and look at the facts with a neutral mind. Don't listen to the stories told to you by only one side, true knowledge isn't simply believing everything you are told. It is the facts taken my researching and coming to your own conclusions without being told from another source what is and what isn't. I've done my research and come to my conclusion and hopefully you'll come to yours.

But my point in all I have said is that I'm sick and tired of drama, and truthfully don't want to risk the other friendships I have because people choose sides with out knowing anything. I don't want to loose anymore friends, but sometimes we don't always get what we want.

Time Passing By

Alot has happened in the past few days, friendships have been fixed and time spent with people I haven't seen; but with all that has happened I still have this feeling of uncertainty. I can't help but know that people aren't being completely honest with me. One way that I know this, is the simple fact that I can over hear them talking with others and secondly when I look them in the eye and they have this half glazed not focused look. It seems as if they want to convience me but can't look me completely in the eye. This leaves me with the simple question of whats going on, all I ask is to be completely honest with me and yet I can't help but feel they aren't.

I'm wondering what truly needs to be changed, is it the uncertainties I feel or is it the friends that I keep so close. Some of you are very good friends, don't get me wrong, but truthfully we aren't as close as we could be. So the idea behind the question is am I just letting the uncertainty take hold or are the really not being completely honest with me, am I fine where I am or should I change things. I am tired of always having these questions in my head and being reminded of my feelings all the time.

But even though I'm not certain of things at the moment I do want to say that I am thankful for the friends I do have. God has blessed me so much and I can't help but see that. Some of you have spoken with me about this subject area and I know you are being truthful and honest. What more could I ask for?I have felt so alone this past semester and many of you were there, if by facebook or in person, when I needed someone and I thank you so much.

I know things have changed so much these past couple of years, but they've changed for the better. I know that sometimes, like the previous blog, I look back and wish things hadn't changed but I know they changed for something better and I'm glad they did.

Looking Through The Window Of Time

I have been taking the time to refelct. It is as if I'm simply looking through a window watching my past simply go by. I miss those days and I really didn't realize it until Monday night. I had been needing to talk with an old friend and when we had actually aranged the time to meet, that had just happened to be around the same time as when I had planned to hangout with friends at bowling. We planned to talk after and they were going to bowl separate from us.

The entire time we were bowling I kept noticing that this person kept watching me and I thought they were just wondering when I was going to say something. But as the evening went on I realized that they were watching me the way they use to. When we finished bowling they came up to me and asked if we were still going to talk. At this point all the memories of when we use to hangout had come back to me and as I made my way to the door, he gave me that old stupid grin that I had recieved way to many times.

We talked and simply by the end of it all, things were fixed but I realized I lost one of my oldest friends. It's sad when I look back now and I can't help but feel regret for letting things end up this way.

I look back now and so many of my old friends are gone now, my old friendships are now my history and it is sadening. I miss the old days when things were simple and easy. Truthfully I'm not the same as I was, but I can't help but wish time had stayed still.

Trapped

As I look around me all I can see is that there are four walls of darkness, for everything that was light is now darkness. The things that once were known are now revealed in a shrow of darkness and the unknown. The people I once thought I knew so well, turned out to wear masks when it came to me and revealed to truth to those others. The others I turned to when betrayal was greatest, but in the end I am left uncertain of who is and who isn't. I am trapped all things which brought joy now bring heart ache and confusion. To know what people have said and for them to think things will not change is foolishness. I am alone in the darkness it seems, but there is a way out for I am a servant of Christ and he will guide my path and make me a light to clear the darkness. For the Christ I know and love is the forgiver and through the forgiver I can forgive those who hurt me and be strengthened by whabecomes "can they forgive me?" I know in my heart of hearts what is expected of me and even t has occurred. But, in some cases I reacted poorly and in that case the question though I have fallen away before I have been strengthened by what has been shown to me. Who am I to hold a grudge against he who wronged me, am I to let this thing control my life? No, for I am strong in He of whom I serve, and He has given me the task of correcting that which needs to be fixed. The only thing that still bothers me now is still the question of, whom of these mortal men can I trust?