Celebrating 21 Years Of Existence

In the past few days a lot has occurred, I turned 21 and went on a trip, out to dinner twice, movies, bowling, and hung out with my friends; and I loved every minute of it. You never know just how much people care about you till they make the time to show you. I truly loved every moment of it even though I do have to say my absolute favorite part was traveling up to Orlando for the day with Justus.

It was so much fun especially since it was my first time actually being the one driving up to Orlando. I also was glad to just be able to spend the time with him for the entire day. I was surprised by something though, grant you we've known each other for a few years we were not close all of them but got closer and I thought I knew quite a bit of information, I learned more about Justus in that one day then I think I've ever learned in the time I've know him. I am so glad we got to the opportunity to do that trip just because I got to know of the coolest people I know all that much better. I also know you are going to read this most likely Justus and I want you to know that. :) Maybe God had everyone not be able to go so we could have the day to ourselves and if so I am so very glad He did.


The night we all went to City Place was my other favorite part of the experience be then I got to have a whole bunch of different friends, some did not know any of the others, and have them all in one place and have dinner with them all and hang out as well. I know some were going to have the waiter sing and that was nice of you, but I'm very glad he did not and that it ended up in Justus' desert instead of mine! ;P But it was so much fun seeing people who were important to me meet the others that were just as important and to have them start some what of a friendship. I have some very great friends and it is taking a lot of time to truly and fully realize this. I love each one of you, even if you were unable to come, and am so very thankful for all of you in my life. What can I say other then that I am truly blessed to have every single one of you in my life and that all of the things lost in the process were worth it, because I would not change a thing from who and where I am today.

January 10, 2009 City Place

Concuring Regret

Days have past and questions still remain, "What is the goal of man if not to serve the one who created us?", this question lingers and does not leave. For anything I may think can easily be proven wrong. Many in this world are lost and seeking, others find pleasure in the hear and now, while still some don't care and simply are satisfied. But astonishingly there is one last group left unmentioned, those who believe they are doing what is expected simply because they said a simple prayer. What if they were told that all these things were wrong and that we are not to only just be, but to be something changed. What would become of their train of thought, what would they say or better yet do. This is the greatest part of uncertainty for how do we address this, for we are suppose to be lights in the dark would; but the light implied does not come with a light switch, which means it must shine constantly. For many this task is hard, because they are so wrapped up with what they want and are doing; but the challenge is to not be the way that the rest of the world thinks but that of our Lord and Savior wishes us to be like.

Keeping all of this in mind the decisions we make today greatly impact us in our tomorrows. Lately I have been troubled with what has been for the past couple of years, the way a very dear friend and I handled an argument ended our very close friendship. I can't help but wish we had done what would have been expected of us, instead of doing what we wanted in the fact of holding grudges and not truly whole heartily forgiving one another. I miss him greatly and in the past couple of days the very thought of him haunts me, its saddening to think that one person you can be so close with can be gone from you just like that.

The decisions we make today are oh so very important, no matter how small they may seem.

Broken Chains

As time goes by we learn so much, life lessons from walking down life's road. These lessons we must learn, wether or not we want to. God has so much in store for us that we don't fully understand, that we can't even comprehend. So much has been going on lately, so much drama and fighting, that it can't help but open your eyes and make you wonder what does the Lord have planned for you.

This past weekend I went to Rock the Universe with some friends. The experience ended up being one of the best ones I could ever ask for. I had originally planned to go with an entirely different group of people and the plans fell apart, and I had been hurt by this; but I truthfully believe I had a better time then I could of had if I had gone with the other group of people. God made it a time for me to grow closer to everyone and get to see their hearts. I truly enjoyed every minute of it and would never change it. I know God had this in store for me and I'm so thankful He did. 

I imagine my life as if there are the chains of this world holding me down. Every sin, every transaction, every pain, every heart ache, they are all chains. One chain that has been truly hurting me the most has been the drama that has recently come into play. I can't help but feel hurt every time I think about it. To love someone like a brother and have them treat you the way that no one should be treated, hurts a lot. At times I seriously feel like my heart has been stabbed with a knife and is broken. I know it seems like I'm putting a lot of emphasis on it, but to truly have that brotherly and sisterly love for someone means a lot.

On Sunday I decided to do things a little different and instead of just continuing my devotions from where I had last left off, I decided to let the Lord just open it to where he wanted me to. The place in scripture that He showed me was Psalms 25, this place in scripture was King David surrendering all of his trials and everything to the Lord. This was perfect for me and everything I'm going through. Every time, since then, that I start being sad about what has happened I meditate on he scriptures that God showed me.

I'm confused on what God wants me to do though. I am wanting to give this person a chance to fix things, but things have to change. I keep praying about what it is that God wants for me and I wish it could be made clearer. I know oh so strongly that I am to give it to Him and that's what I'm doing. I also know that just like God showed me before that I can only do so much and that they have to be willing to try also. So I know that if the other person isn't willing to try then it is out of my hands.

God's stolen my heart and broken the chains, I am His and no body else's. Who am I to want and who am I to argue. He knows all things and has a plan. My Life is his for the making and no one can change it, obedience is required. My heart is pure in total surrender, Lord do what you want with me.

Wondering Why?

As time goes by I can't help but wonder "why?". Why do people treat people the way they do, like they are beneath everyone else and not deserving of respect. While they meet someone new and treat this person with more respect and love than they do the friends that they have had for a while. People deserve respect, everyone does, not just who someone chooses. Who do they think they are to choose between people? If God went through the crowd and decided who was worthy of His love and who wasn't, all of us would fall short. In 1 Peter 2:17 it is writen: "Honor all people. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king." Notice how it says honor all people, not just who you choose.

It disappoints me greatly when I see brothers and sisters of Christ being each others down falls. People need to understand that no one is perfect, and that we need to be careful not to let their failures erode our respect for their good qualities. The truth of it all is that you can find something to respect in anybody if you look hard enough, and take the time to know their heart. When with Christians, you are with God’s children and should honor them accordingly; regardless of how they are acting. Because we are not the ones to judge them; but we are the ones to love them. In Genesis 9:6 it's written: "Whoever sheds man’s blood, by man his blood shall be shed; for in the image of God He made man." God made us not that we hurt and judge one another, but that we are equal no one being greater than the other for we are all made in His image.

The part of all of this that makes it hurt the most is when you have a friend that you trust and love, as a brother or sister in Christ, and the entire time you are friends with them they believe they are above you. But friends are suppose to be willing to except your flaws; not because they have to but because they want to, because they love you. He or she may be lazy and forgetful. Yet chances are good if they want to be a good person and do the right thing. You can respect the desire of someone's heart even if you are disappointed by his or her actions. But when they do hurt you, the option is not to be judgemental but to be there and help them and show that you'll be there for them, just like Christ is there for us. We are to see others as God does. Each of us has amazing potential. Gideon was a fearful man, living hidden from the enemy, yet the angel of the Lord greeted him by saying, "The Lord is with you, mighty warrior" (Judges 6:12). The angel’s greeting was not because of anything Gideon had done, but because he knew how God planned to use Gideon.

I hurts me to watch people do this to others, especially people who love them. I personally just had an experience of this, during this past week. Being told that "You're not worth respecting" by another brother in Christ, especially someone that I loved like a brother, hurts a great deal. I know I am facing another trial in my life, the fact of the matter is sometimes I become to dependent on my friends. I've been working on fixing it, but just like everyone else, sometimes I fail; and everytime I do God reminds me of it. But the reason for this being such a huge issue for me is that we are suppose to love our sisters and brothers in Christ not hurt them. The question still remains: "Why? Why do they do this and why do they think they are right in doing so?"

Frustration Is Not My Friend

I am feeling very frustrated at the moment. I'm so tired of people who can't seem to be completely honest with others. So many people that I never expected to become this way, are worst than the ones that I did expect it from. These things have bothered me so much to the point of me loosing sleep over them. Peoples lies and selfishness of not respecting others causes me more stress than is healthy for me.

At the moment the greatest frustration is caused by someone who use to be my friend. This person ended our friendship on my birthday and this is after me trying to fix things and putting up with alot. Well I told this person that I wanted to speak with them over 3 weeks before they were suppose to leave town. Obviously the person never bothered to call and arrange a time, but did preceed to text me. In these text messages the person said they did want to speak with me on evenings of them visiting because they didn't want the moment ruined, but I can't help but point out that this person didn't bother to have any of that respect for me in regards to my birthday. Then the person started saying "how many times do you want me to apologize?", well they never did apologize to me. I pointed this out and then they changed the story to well I tried to and everyone knows I did all the way down to so 'n so. Well I've spoken with the people this person said and none agree with the claims.

Why is this person so determined to continue lying and not just simply say "I'm sorry." If they had said sorry to me or even attempted to say it do you think I would of continued to not speak with them or even agree with others when they say that this person always thinks they can do no wrong. No I wouldn't have because everyone reason I would have for doing or believing it would have been proven wrong.

I'm so tired of the lies, and I'm sick of the drama. I told this person they are making it look like its not worth fixing. Truly if they don't stop these games and grow up, I see no reason to believe in trying to fix it. Stress is not good for anyone and why should I keep putting myself in more drama then I have to be in.

I know some of you reading this will already know about what's transpired, and I ask you to be reasonable and look at the facts with a neutral mind. Don't listen to the stories told to you by only one side, true knowledge isn't simply believing everything you are told. It is the facts taken my researching and coming to your own conclusions without being told from another source what is and what isn't. I've done my research and come to my conclusion and hopefully you'll come to yours.

But my point in all I have said is that I'm sick and tired of drama, and truthfully don't want to risk the other friendships I have because people choose sides with out knowing anything. I don't want to loose anymore friends, but sometimes we don't always get what we want.

Time Passing By

Alot has happened in the past few days, friendships have been fixed and time spent with people I haven't seen; but with all that has happened I still have this feeling of uncertainty. I can't help but know that people aren't being completely honest with me. One way that I know this, is the simple fact that I can over hear them talking with others and secondly when I look them in the eye and they have this half glazed not focused look. It seems as if they want to convience me but can't look me completely in the eye. This leaves me with the simple question of whats going on, all I ask is to be completely honest with me and yet I can't help but feel they aren't.

I'm wondering what truly needs to be changed, is it the uncertainties I feel or is it the friends that I keep so close. Some of you are very good friends, don't get me wrong, but truthfully we aren't as close as we could be. So the idea behind the question is am I just letting the uncertainty take hold or are the really not being completely honest with me, am I fine where I am or should I change things. I am tired of always having these questions in my head and being reminded of my feelings all the time.

But even though I'm not certain of things at the moment I do want to say that I am thankful for the friends I do have. God has blessed me so much and I can't help but see that. Some of you have spoken with me about this subject area and I know you are being truthful and honest. What more could I ask for?I have felt so alone this past semester and many of you were there, if by facebook or in person, when I needed someone and I thank you so much.

I know things have changed so much these past couple of years, but they've changed for the better. I know that sometimes, like the previous blog, I look back and wish things hadn't changed but I know they changed for something better and I'm glad they did.

Looking Through The Window Of Time

I have been taking the time to refelct. It is as if I'm simply looking through a window watching my past simply go by. I miss those days and I really didn't realize it until Monday night. I had been needing to talk with an old friend and when we had actually aranged the time to meet, that had just happened to be around the same time as when I had planned to hangout with friends at bowling. We planned to talk after and they were going to bowl separate from us.

The entire time we were bowling I kept noticing that this person kept watching me and I thought they were just wondering when I was going to say something. But as the evening went on I realized that they were watching me the way they use to. When we finished bowling they came up to me and asked if we were still going to talk. At this point all the memories of when we use to hangout had come back to me and as I made my way to the door, he gave me that old stupid grin that I had recieved way to many times.

We talked and simply by the end of it all, things were fixed but I realized I lost one of my oldest friends. It's sad when I look back now and I can't help but feel regret for letting things end up this way.

I look back now and so many of my old friends are gone now, my old friendships are now my history and it is sadening. I miss the old days when things were simple and easy. Truthfully I'm not the same as I was, but I can't help but wish time had stayed still.

Trapped

As I look around me all I can see is that there are four walls of darkness, for everything that was light is now darkness. The things that once were known are now revealed in a shrow of darkness and the unknown. The people I once thought I knew so well, turned out to wear masks when it came to me and revealed to truth to those others. The others I turned to when betrayal was greatest, but in the end I am left uncertain of who is and who isn't. I am trapped all things which brought joy now bring heart ache and confusion. To know what people have said and for them to think things will not change is foolishness. I am alone in the darkness it seems, but there is a way out for I am a servant of Christ and he will guide my path and make me a light to clear the darkness. For the Christ I know and love is the forgiver and through the forgiver I can forgive those who hurt me and be strengthened by whabecomes "can they forgive me?" I know in my heart of hearts what is expected of me and even t has occurred. But, in some cases I reacted poorly and in that case the question though I have fallen away before I have been strengthened by what has been shown to me. Who am I to hold a grudge against he who wronged me, am I to let this thing control my life? No, for I am strong in He of whom I serve, and He has given me the task of correcting that which needs to be fixed. The only thing that still bothers me now is still the question of, whom of these mortal men can I trust?